The Boyfriend of the Week
November 3, 2004
Okay, I've had it. I've had it up to HERE with the distinguished, intelligent, established, big-name, big-time, big-shot Boyfriends of the Week! Look at all the old fogies I've been featuring! The guys who have been around for ages and that everybody and their grandmother has heard of! It's time to take a break from all this brainpower. And all this research. And all this information.
It's time to get back to what this site is REALLY all about. It's time to get back to the basics. It's time to get back to the DROOL.
And what better way to transition than with the absolutely drop-dead-hunky Josh Holloway? Let the saliva flow, ladies and gentlemen! Let it flow!
For those of you who never listen to anything I say, Josh's face is likely to be one you don't recognize. But, for those of you who actually run right out to your local video store promptly after reading each and every write-up (ya weirdos), OR for those of you who tuned in to "Lost" after I told you I wouldn't speak to you if you didn't, well, you probably know just who he is. And exactly why I'm featuring him, too. Because, frankly, after watching those dimples week in and week out on Wednesday nights at 8pm on ABC, the real question is how could I NOT feature him. I mean, those have got to be the most perfect, most totally sexy, most absolutely drool-worthy dimples ever to grace the planet Earth. They're unholy, actually. Totally unholy. Because all they inspire in me is an overwhelming urge to break the Seventh Commandment (the one about adultery, heaven forgive me). And not just to break it, but to smash it into teeny tiny bits and then line the powdery bitness in little columns on a piece of mirror and then roll a dollar bill up really tightly to form a little tube and then stick the tube up my nose and then snort each line of Seventh Commandment, sending it shooting right into my brain.
It doesn't get any more unholy than that, people.
Now, for those of you who fell in to the first category above (the ones keeping up with the movie rentals), you're recognizng Josh Holloway from a movie I talked about in David Keith's write-up a few weeks ago. Because it was when I was doing Davey research that I first came across Josh. It was in the movie "Sabretooth," a Sci-Fi Network original film that co-starred Dave and Jonathan Rhys-Davies. By the way, if you did run right out and rent this one, based on my recommendation, I'd like to formally apologize. I did mention at some point that I love BAD movies, right? And this one definitely fits that bill. In fact, it could be the poster child for movie badness. It's not even really worth the box of crayons it took to write the script.
Well, here, check it out -- this is what I had to say about the movie back then:
Up next in my B-movie Dave-athon was this somewhat less-than-stellar creature feature about a cloned and genetically-altered sabertooth tiger who gets loose in the woods and eats a bunch of campers. Now, you might think that scientists interested in cloning the extinct sabertooth would be doing it because they wanted to, say, develop a process to return long-gone species to the planet. That might make sense, right? And even be somewhat noble, despite it's misguidedness. But, that's totally not what's going on here. Instead, the scientists wanted to figure out how to clone living tissue and accelerate its growth so that in the future, when a patient needs a new heart, their old one can be cloned and quickly grown to full size for transplanting.
Now, why they couldn't run this experiment on sheep or, say, puppies, or something else slightly less likely to EAT PEOPLE, I have no idea. But then, "Dolly, the Killer Cloned Sheep" probably wouldn't have made for quite as much in the thrill department. What do I know?
What's great about this movie, aside from David Keith dressed up as Robert Redford from "Out of Africa," is that you can tell it's not taking itself too seriously. John Rhys-Davies (better known as Gimli and Treebeard from the Lord of the Rings series) also stars in it, and seems to have a pretty good time saying things like, "Hell's bells! What if it eats someone before we can catch it?!" And, of course, it delivers one of the greatest "famous last words" lines ever: "It could be right behind me, and I wouldn't even know!"
Oh, and one more great thing -- it also stars an actor named Josh Holloway, who has the cutest dimples ever and, as it turns out, is also part of the cast of the new TV show "Lost," which is the only new TV show I'm actually kind of excited about. Watch for it to premiere on September 22nd and keep your fingers crossed that it won't suck. Because I miss ex-Boyfriend Matthew Fox, and I really need him back in my life.
Look at that foreshadowing! At the time, I didn't know much about "Lost" -- I only knew that it was getting buzz as one of the few truly original series slated to start this fall. And, what's more, I certainly had no idea Josh would end up being the bad guy. Though if you have to have a sexist pig on a show, a character everybody loves to hate, he might as well look like Josh Holloway. Because, it's really hard to hold a grudge against those dimples. No matter how hard I try, I just can't. . . hold. . .the. . .argh! And besides, even though I will deny this if you ask me in public simply because it's sooooo trite, I actually have a hard time resisting "bad-boys" like Sawyer (Josh's character on the show). In real life, I probably would be so annoyed by Sawyer I'd walk out and stick him with the bar tab. But in my dreams, we're both wearing leather and riding a motorcycle (motorcycles are bad-boy staples, after all). Me with my arms tightly wrapped around his extremely charming midsection and occasionally leaning forward to put a smooch on the back of his scruffy neck. What can I say? I'm like a walking mental cliche! In leather!
Now the best part about this write-up was that research on Josh was pretty easy, simply because he hasn't been in anything as of yet. I did manage to track down one other movie he's made, a craptacularly vapid flick called "Cold Heart" (the title of which keeps getting that old Paula Abdul song "Cold Hearted Snake" stuck in my head, for which I automatically deducted 87 gazillion points from Josh). He's another bad-boy in this one, though this time you get to add insanity to the mix just for kicks. Because what's more fun than insanity?
It co-stars Nastassja Kinski, her body double who has boobs twice the size of her own (did they think nobody would notice this?), and Jeff Fahey, the absolute KING of terrible film.
In the movie, Nastassja is in a stale marriage with Fahey, who is a psychotherapist who works with ex-cons. One of his patients is a very cute, very young Josh Holloway, and I kind of started to daydream about 20 minutes into the movie so I can't say exactly how it happens, but somehow, Nastassja and Josh end up meeting and having an affair. When Nastassja tries to break it off, though, because for some wholly incomprehensible reason, she decides to stay with JEFF FAHEY instead of going with those dimples, Josh goes berserkers and starts stalking her. I'd say it had an unhappy ending, except I was so happy it was over I didn't even care that practically everybody ended up dead. However, Josh is EXCELLENT in this movie. Honestly, he does bad-ass VERY well. And -- children, cover your ears -- he also does BARE ass very well. Hubba hubba!
But that's it, that's all the Josh Holloway experience I have. Three things! This write-up was a piece of cake! I should do this kind of thing more often! Bring on the newbies! Next week, the entire male cast of the new teenaged-boy drama "Life As We Know It"! (Though, first I better check to make sure they're not all actually 16 in real life. . .)
A little biographical info about Dimples, who is quite possibly the cutest Boyfriend of the Week since Adam Brody (whose write-up I lost, but which I'm working on rewriting as we speak) (and if you believe that, after all these months, I have some bridges to sell ya. And the check is in the mail. And pigs are flying. And Florida voted Kerry. And so did Ohio.). He was born on July 20, 1969 in Northern California, the second eldest of four brothers. When he was two, his family packed up and moved to the Blue Ridge Mountains of Georgia, where Josh stayed until after high school. He graduated from Cherokee High in Canton, GA and immediately moved on to the University of Georgia. But after a year in college, he decided to pursue a career as a model, and he dropped out, signed up, and promptly embarked on an extremely successful career that took him all over the world.
After firmly establishing himself as a pretty face, Dimples decided it was time to pursue the passion he'd had for as long as he could remember -- his passion for film. He moved to Los Angeles and soon landed a role in a comedy called "Doctor Benny." He followed that up with a handful of small pictures like "Cold Heart," and finally landed a lead role in "Sabretooth." Now, a fan site said he "gained considerable notice" for his part in "Sabretooth," and I'm glad to hear that, but it sure makes me wonder who in the heck saw that stinker besides me? And, even more, who saw that stinker and thought to him/herself, "Gosh, look at that Dimples guy act! Now that's thespianism, meeeeow!"
Eh, I don't really care. What matters is that someone did see it, someone did say that, and someone started to score that boy some roles in real TV. After a couple of guest spots on shows like "CSI" and "Navy NCIS," Josh landed the biggest role of his career so far -- the aforementioned bad-boy role of Sawyer in the extremely successful and very critically acclaimed adventure drama "Lost."
A show which you're all already watching, right? I mean, if nothing else, that show is PRIME Boyfriend hunting ground. You have old Boyfriends like Matthew Fox and Dominic Monaghan. You have current Boyfriends like Josh Holloway. And you have a ton of future Boyfriends like Ian Somerhalder, Naveen Andrews, Harold Perrineau, Terry O'Quinn (if I can erase the full-frontal nudity in "The Stepfather" from memory -- I'm working on it), Daniel Dae Kim, and Jorge Garcia. This show alone could feed this web site for most of 2005. And, what's more, it's just damn clever, damn well written, damn incredibly acted, and damn awesome in every way, shape, and form.
This November 2nd, I hope you all did as I did and wrote in "Dimples" for President. I say what we need is to bring sexy sassiness back to the Oval Office!! We had it once, with JFK, we can have it again! Because honestly, what better way to woo the world back into being our friends again? Josh Holloway could make world peace happen! At least amongst the females in the population, anyway! Vote Holloway for 2008! Or, you know, don't.
MacGyver Factor Score: 98.96745362%. Points off for the "Cold Hearted Snake" thing, as mentioned above. However, points WAY back for the dimples. And the crookedy smile. And the extremely nice upper body. And the way his hair kind of flops. And the way he looks with that cut on his forehead. Quick, bring me the mirror and dollar bill again! It's time to snort some more Seventh Commandment, baby! Just say YES! YES YES YES!