The Boyfriend of the Week

April 19, 2007

Yay! It's back! After weeks of waiting, one of my favorite shows finally returns tonight!

Nope, nope, not Buffy the Vampire Slayer. No, wait, I wasn't talking about Firefly, either. Nooooo, NOT Grey's Anatomy (although, well, actually, that returns tonight too). Um, well, good guess with Heroes -- that comes back Monday, though, not tonight. Not Dirty Jobs, Survivorman, or Mythbusters -- it's nothing on the Discovery Channel at all, actually. Man, you guys suck at this guessing thing. Wait, what? Saved by the Bell?! Oh funny, verrrrrry funny. You're hilarious, really.

God, people, SUPERNATURAL, okay? SUPERNATURAL is back tonight.

Yeesh.

Of course, I'm being completely facetious -- not about the show returning tonight, but about you guys not knowing exactly what show I was talking about the minute you opened this site and felt those gorgeous eyes above boring a hole straight through your aortas. I already know a bazillion of you guys are not only huge SupeNatch fans yourselves, but you're also enormous, outrageous, ridiculous crushers on Jensen Ackles, the last male member of the cast to be featured on this site. You guys poured out the drool when I put up castmates Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Jared Padalecki. But after you mopped yourselves up, you came forth with the demand that I complete the trifecta. And make that stat, stat, and double ASAP, you said. OR ELSE.

But, I'm nothing if not "difficult" (just ask my mother), so instead of doing what I was told, begged, pleaded, and mobbed to do, I decided to take my time with the whole shebang. The more SupeNatch I watch this season, though, the more I confess I have regretted my early decision to choose Jared over Jensen to begin with -- boy, was I ever wrong about who would end up being my favorite. I mean, Sam's a sweetheart and he's got GREAT hair, which doesn't count for nothing in my book, but damn if Dean doesn't get all the best lines. I spend most of every episode chuckling, shaking my head, and wishing I'D thought of that one, you know what I mean? Everything that comes out of Jensen Ackles's mouth on that show is pure sarcastic genius. The man has a talent for snark the likes of which I have never seen.

But, while I could easily fill a write-up with yet ANOTHER gazillion paragraphs about why I think Supernatural is a great TV show (see Jared Padalecki and Jeffrey Dean Morgan for parts one and two), I thought it might be more fun if I watched some of Jensen's other work and talked about that instead. I started by trying to get into Dark Angel -- I learned Jensen was in season two of this series when I got about 86,000 emails (you know, plus or minus 85,973) telling me so after the write-up on DA co-star Michael Weatherly. I ran into a snag, though, when I started season one and couldn't get into it. Man, is it just me, or is Jessica Alba just a ridiculously bad actress? You know that feeling you get when you're grating cheese and you accidentally grate your knuckle instead? A feeling of agony coupled with the shame of doing something so stupid? Now picture that instead of grating your knuckle, you grate your BRAIN. That's the feeling I get whenever Jessica Alba opens her mouth. Actually, even when her mouth is closed, in that stupid little "Hey, look at me! I survived an apocalypse!" pout, I kind of feel the need to band-aid my gray matter and then spend the next day lying whenever someone asks me how I hurt myself. "Oh this?" I would answer. "This chunk missing out of my brain? Yep, got that watching Masterpiece Theatre on PBS last night. Yep. Ha ha, that Alistair Cooke -- he gets me every time. What was that? Oh, he's dead now? Hmm. Must've been a rerun last night, then?" [Mutters to self: Crud.]

Anyway, after barely being able to slog through episode one of Dark Angel (It bleeds! It bleeeeeeeds!), I thought about skipping ahead to season two just so I could see Jensen swapping snarky remarks with Michael Weatherly. I mean, you know how when two atoms collide, you get a burst of energy? I feel certain that given the right set of dialogue to bounce off each other, Mike and Jensen could actually blow up Los Angeles -- and this, you see, I really wanna see. Maybe not in person, but still.

But I just. . . argh! I just have this THING that prevents me from being able to skip ahead in television shows. It's weird, because I have none of the TV-show-related THINGS that other people have (for example, I don't care at all if someone throws a spoiler my way, though I confess I didn't appreciate it when Entertainment Weekly ran a "fauxbituary" about a certain female character on The Sopranos who got whacked last season. But seriously, blow a Lost episode twist in advance for me and I really don't mind. If anything, it merely gives me more time to come up with convoluted theories. Speaking of which, I STILL think the numbers are longitude/latitude coordinates, by the way. If you work them out, they put you just off the coast of Australia! That can't be a coincidence!)

Wait, where the hell was I? Oh yeah, my THING. I can't do it, people! I can't skip ahead! Even if season one has nothing to do with season two, I still can't just NOT watch season one. And the problem with Dark Angel? I can't watch season one to begin with. Not unless I want to turn my brain into pizza topping, anyway.

So, for a couple of days, I mourned the loss of what could've been some mind-blowing wit bombing between Jensen and Mikey ("Shock and Ha"!). But then I got a couple other Jensen-related DVDs in the mail from Netflix, and I decided to let it go and move on.

Unfortunately, what I moved on to was a horror movie called Devour that was so forgettable, I. . . uh. . . have completely forgotten what it was about.

I feel certain, however, that after a decade of watching hundreds of bad horror movies, I can probably make some educated guesses as to plot. I got an A on a college paper about F. Scott Fitzgerald's Tender is the Night in much this same way (well, not using horror movie expertise, of course, though that might've been interesting), so I know I have talent when it comes to educated guesses regarding extremely predictable fiction (no offense to Fitz fans here).

For example, Devour undoubtedly begins with a group of teenagers or young-20-somethings in a car that breaks down on a side road in the middle of nowhere. This sparks a session of bickering between the two main characters, who happen to be a couple whose relationship has been on the rocks lately. After a few minutes of trite finger-pointing, the two and their pals in the backseat resign themselves to spending the night in the car.

But then! One of four possible scenarios occurs. They: A) go for a walk and discover a town in which some psychopaths live who will then begin killing them all off in increasingly horrific ways; B) go for a walk and discover a cabin in the woods inhabited by a psychopath who will hack them into pieces using a rusty box of tools; C) are rescued by a scary-looking dude in a dirty pick-up truck who offers to tow them back to town but instead takes them back to his farm in the middle of nowhere and feeds them to his mutant livestock and/or family members; or D) tell stories around a campfire and then drive home the next morning when the car miraculously begins to run again.

If it's D, you start to wonder if maybe you picked up the wrong movie -- is this a drama or a romantic comedy instead of a horror flick? But just when you've been lulled into a near-coma by its bizarre lack of horror-ificness, the group gets home to discover one of the following: A) a virus in all their computers; B) a videotape with a sinister movie on it; C) that their town is now infected with a disease that turns people into flesh-eating zombies; or D) that the house they just bought was the site of a gruesome murder thirty years ago. After about ten minutes of random "Gee, wonder what this is"-isms, the group begins to be systematically killed off by some ghostly being from beyond the grave who has a serious grudge against cute teenagers (hey, don't we all?).

Any woman who shows her boobs goes first, of course, especially if she is particularly irreverent regarding the morality of sexual activity before marriage. Any guy who smokes marijuana goes next, especially if he is an African American and/or the comic relief. The only survivor will be the teetotaling virgin, who will survive despite the fact she goes up the stairs to investigate the "strange noise" instead of out the front door the first chance she gets. This last act will invariably cause me to yell something at the TV along the lines of, "YOU IDIOT! EVERYBODY KNOWS NEVER TO GO UP THE FREAKIN' STAIRS! DON'T YOU *WATCH* THESE MOVIES?!" Which, in turn, will make my husband, playing a computer game in the other room, roll his eyes and snort.

Oh yeah, and let's not forget this: the bad guy/monster/zombie will run at a speed of approximately 1 mile per hour, and yet will be able to successfully chase down and kill the captain of the school track team. But you fans of the Halloween series knew this one already.

Alternatively, there may be vampires, aliens, or carnivorous creatures of some sort involved (bats, abnormally large insects, rodents, or giant lizards -- Komodo dragons were quite popular there for a while). To this day, I have never seen a movie in which all three appear, but maybe Eli Roth is reading this. Hi, Eli Roth! Loved Cabin Fever!

So, that's Devour in a nutshell for you. Annnnd, YES! I am so good! I just went to check the plot synopsis at the IMDb site, and turns out Devour is about a group of young 20-somethings who are killed by a video game that comes to life! So close with that computer virus guess! What do you want to bet there's a Komodo dragon in it too -- I mean, with a name like Devour, there must be something with really sharp teeth somewhere, right?

Anyway, there weren't many other things from Jensen's filmography I could get my hands on. I mean, he did a stint on Days of Our Lives for a time, but even if that IS on DVD, my inability to jump ahead in a show coupled with the fact that show's been on for 1.2 billion years kind of foils that plan (I'm serious about that 1.2 billion years estimate, by the way -- I've seen an episode from season one, and the main characters were all played by T. Rex's and velociraptors -- it was actually quite exciting. Kind of like Jurassic Park meets, well, meets Days of Our Lives, I suppose. Very cool.).

As it turns out, much of what Jensen's been in (and that's not much to begin with), isn't readily available on DVD. Desperate, it looked like I had only one option left. Though I had successfully avoided it for years, after losing interest in the series right around season five (not sure how I lasted that long, frankly) and never being able to get the requisite sense of nostalgia needed to finish it up, I had no choice -- I had to rent season six of Dawson's Creek.

Yes, HAD TO. Shut up!

Surprisingly, I kind of enjoyed it. I haven't finished the whole season yet, and I will confess to a decidedly lessened sense of patience when it comes to putting up with Joey's seemingly ENDLESS whining (argh -- I used to think Katie Holmes was really cute and sweet, but ever since she became a Stepford Wife, I've had a hard time looking her in the eye), but Jensen Ackles? Wow, is he ever a gorgeous sight to behold in his role as C.J., an adorable, sensitive, and giving guy who talks Jen into signing up as a peer counselor at his student mental health clinic. Golly, he's sweet. And also? His HAIR! Is so cute in this! It's a bit longer and shaggier, and, well, honestly, I couldn't even tell you what was going on with Dawson and Joey for the first seven episodes, because when I wasn't actively drooling over C.J., I was drying my chin off and twiddling my thumbs until he came back on screen.

Did you guys know excessive drool on the chin can lead to acne? I didn't know this myself until I saw Jensen Ackles in Jared Padalecki hair. Trust me -- it's a small price to pay.

In any case, what I'm saying is, you can go ahead and skip Devour, but if you are a true Jensen Ackles fan, you really need to rent yourselves some Dawson's Creek this weekend. Season six, starting right around episode two. Not to be missed.

Orrrrrrrrr, you can save the movie rentals for a rainy day and simply join me tonight (in spirit anyway -- I'm not actually inviting you over) when I sit down at 9pm, turn on the CW channel, and watch the new episode of Supernatural. It looks like it's going to be a funny one -- probably the last light-hearted episode we'll get this year, as I'm sure the season finale will be pretty dark what with all the stuff going on with Sam the last few months (if you've missed any episodes this year, you can catch some of them on the CW web site below). Thankfully, even when SupeNatch is dark, Dean's usually still hellaciously funny. Which is why I love him so very, very much.

Eat your heart out Jared Padalecki.

MacGyver Factor Score: 99.296%. A smidgen of points off for not leaving his hair alone after Dawson's Creek, because, again I feel the need to say: humina humina. Other than that minor transgression, though, Jensen's only getting better looking with time. I can't wait until he's 40 -- salt-and-pepper chin stubble really turns me on. In fact, I predict he'll be the Sean Connery of a new generation in that respect. When he's 80, I'll probably still be buying Clearasil to dab onto my chin, in other words. Lovely!


Boyfriend-Related Links

Jensen's IMDb page
CW's Supernatural site
Jensen Ackles Fans
Jensen Ackles Web (fan site)
Desiring Jensen (fan site)


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