Well, Mac, I'm NOT happy about that. This is not going to make me love you MORE, you know. I mean, don't you think you're being just a little childish about the whole thing? You're still tops; you're in no danger. Relax, kiddo!
Also, in other ex-boyfriend news, I finally found out just WHY Kevin Anderson disappeared after doing Sleeping with the Enemy. Did you guys know he was in a major motorcycle accident and nearly died? He had to spend TWO WHOLE YEARS learning how to walk again! Jeez, Kev, you should've called me or something. I would've come over and taken care of you!
Motorcycle crashes are the LEAST of this week's Boyfriend's worries. (Wow, didn't that make for a great transition?). Yes, this week's boyfriend is the amazing superhuman Jackie Chan! He crashes on a motorcycle on a daily basis! Before breakfast, even! Or else he jumps from moving boat to moving boat and breaks something. Sometimes, he gets caught on fire or tries to jump through a ladder and gets stuck, too. And the best part is, it never even fazes him! He just gets up and smiles that goofy Jackie smile and tries it again! What a total, complete NUT!
Jackie Chan is not just tough, though, he's also really funny! And he's a big sweetie. Just look at that face! That face is so adorable! My favorite Jackie Chan expression is the one he always gets the moment he realizes he's surrounded by about twenty guys who are preparing to beat him within an inch of his life. He gets this really startled and kind of uncomfortable smile on his face (I've never figured out why this kind of situation takes him by surprise, though, since it seems to happen to him ALL THE TIME), then he goes and kicks all their butts. I never worry that Jackie will lose; Jackie's too cool to lose.
Now look, I hear that some girls in Japan are so in love with Jackie Chan that they're killing themselves because he's got a girlfriend. But hey, that's not something you guys need to worry about me doing. Really. Yes, I LOVE YOU, Jackie Chan. But I have DOZENS of other boyfriends to think of. I can't go jumping off bridges everytime one of them gets involved with another woman. Can't do it. Even though I've surely been tempted from time to time. I mean, NOT ONE of my boyfriends has ever called me! Or even sent me an e-mail saying, "Hey, thanks for loving me so much." It kind of stings, you know? I mean, really!
But that's okay. I'm strong. I can wait. I understand the kinds of pressures you're all under blah blah blah. *Sniff*
Jackie Chan's MacGyver Factor Score: 85%. Now, you're all probably wondering why it's so low. I have two reasons. First, he always does his own stunts. Yes, that's incredibly sexy and cool. BUT it's also an excellent way to get yourself KILLED, people! Remember when I deducted points from Quincy for being on the edge of death? And he wasn't even askin' for trouble. It's just too risky to get too close to people who flirt with death on a daily basis. I have to think about my heart, kids.
The second reason I deducted a few points is that Jackie always wears those dorky sunglasses when out in public. Is he trying to HIDE behind those dorky sunglasses? If so, couldn't he hide behind COOL sunglasses instead? And even then, who does he think he's fooling? Jackie! You look ridiculous and we all still recognize you anyway!