The Boyfriend of the Week
June 15 , 2004
Okay, okay, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking this is late. You're thinking this is late, AS USUAL. You're thinking this is late, and it's about time I explain why in the hee-eck I have such a hard time getting write-ups posted on any kind of predictable schedule. So, okay, I'll humor you. Here's the skinny. It's actually quite simple: in fact, there are only three main reasons why a write-up on this site might be late. (Though, for the record, I'd like to say that "late" is an extremely relative term when applied to this site, considering the very reason I don't do this for MONEY is that the moment I "have" to write something is the moment it ceases to be fun anymore. And the moment this site ceases to be fun anymore is the moment it disappears forever. Do keep this in mind when the handful of you feel the urge to email to criticize me for not getting a new write-up posted each and every week. Or, if you'd rather I stick to your timetable instead of my own, I'll send you the address where you can mail my paycheck. Capice? Marvy.)
Anyway, the first reason a write-up might be "late" is because real life gets in the way -- a vacation, an illness or injury, houseguests, friends, family, more important things to do (see above, re: I don't get paid for this), etc. The second reason is that I can't muster up the requisite inspiration (this has only happened once, though, and I finally just bagged the plan to feature that guy for awhile) (FYI, it was Ron Livingston). And the third, and far more common reason -- I'm just about to feature one Boy when another one sideswipes me out of the blue and knocks me onto my cute li'l hiney.
This is exactly what happened this week, as a matter of fact. And I officially feel bad for the Boyfriend I had originally planned to feature because this is the second week in a row he's been bumped for somebody else. Last week he was preempted for a rerun, and this week, I found myself suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to hurry up and feature Eion Bailey.
I'd been working on a Eion write-up for a couple of months now, actually. Slowly working my way through some of his work. In the last ten days, however, I saw two movies that finally made it impossible for me to wait any longer. The first was "And Starring Pancho Villa as Himself" (more on this later) and the second was a smaller film called "The Home Front."
You see, the problem with Eion Bailey can really be summed up in six simple words, though one of them is profane and thus is edited here for content:
Holy @!#*&, those eyes are BLUE!!
Note: the word "BLUE" here should be pronounced in two syllables, with your voice going up on the first one as it might if you were yelling the word "YA-hoo!" BA-loo, I tell you, BA-LOO!!
I mean, honestly, can that eye color even be real? (And, by the way, I apologize, but I couldn't find any photos of him that really showed that color as brilliantly as you can see it if you watch him in something. You'll have to take my word for this or rent some of his stuff.) Or is it just a CGI effect? I mean, If they can make Andy Serkis into Gollum, surely they can fake those amazingly, insanely blue eyes of Eion's. That just can't be a real color. Because if it were, every woman who walked in front of his face would be immediately stunned into a coma. I'm lucky I've never met him, now that I think about it. I think you must be protected from this effect if you just see the eyes on a television or movie screen. It must have something to do with pixel resolution. Or something scientific like that.
Anyway, you've been warned. If you ever meet Eion, try not to meet his gaze (while you ask him for an autographed signed to Meg).
Of course, the other problem with Eion Bailey is that the rest of his face ain't so hard to look at neitha'. Note: this last phrase should be pronounced the way a cowboy would, to go along with our previous "YA-hoo!" effect from earlier on. You see? I've got a theme going. Giddyup!
So, anyway, you add those coma-inducing eyes and that holy-wow-gorgeous face to the fact Eion is also a remarkably talented relative newbie in Hollywood, and what you have, my friends, is yet another in a long line of late write-ups. And a Boyfriend (who shall remain nameless) who I can't seem to get up on this site.
Now, one sec, before you start feeling all bad for Unnamed Boyfriend, let me just tell you that the reason I've been thinking about featuring him to begin with is that his career is about to make a major comeback. He's talented and cute too, and he's about to become one of the most popular stars on television. This is my theory, anyway. All this combines to make him good Boyfriend material, but I've been struggling with the write-up because he and I need to have a serious discussion about this comeback role he's got because I can already see it's headed down the wrong path. Must. Stop. Train. Before. It. Derails.
More on that when I finally get him up, though. If I can manage to stay FOCUSED for a change. Yeesh, so many Boyfriends, so few weeks in a year! Now you understand what makes this job so dang hard some weeks!
Anyway, let's get back to Eion. Now, most of you who are up on popular entertainment probably recognize Eion from his most well-known (and so far his most incredibly good) project, the amazing, incredible, wonderful HBO miniseries "Band of Brothers." If you haven't seen this yet, you have GOT to run out and rent it (or try to catch it on the History Channel, though you need to watch them in order so be careful). Trust me. You will be amazed. Plus, it's a veritable MINEFIELD (no pun intended -- it's a war movie) of Boyfriend material. Damian Lewis and Donnie Wahlberg have already made it to the site, and Matthew Settle, Scott Grimes, Neal McDonough, Michael Cudlitz, Shane Taylor, and Dexter Fletcher, to name a few, are currently waiting in the wings. It's the story of a group of paratroopers in World War II, and it. . .well, I'm not even sure what to say about it, other than that I've seen the entire thing twice now and it blew me away (no pun intended again) both times. Can't wait to see it again. And again and again and again.
I think my next favorite Eion Bailey movie has got to be his other HBO project, the aforementioned "And Starring Pancho Villa as Himself." This terrific movie, which I just saw about 10 days ago, stars Antonio Banderas as the legendary Mexican revolutionary Pancho Villa. I was intrigued by this movie, by the way, because I have a family history that involves Villa -- one of my relatives (Bob Wood) was part of a posse that went after Pancho Villa back in the early 1900's. Anyway, in the movie, Pancho has decided he wants a Hollywood director to come down and film his revolution. The studio sends Frank Thayer (Eion Bailey), an up-and-coming producer-type guy. Frank and Pancho spend a fair amount of time together, and eventually Pancho's charm woos Frank into supporting his cause. However, the opening words of the film establish its theme -- it says something akin to the idea that the movie's story is so outrageous it HAS to be true. And Eion's character himself, as well as those of us in the audience, eventually comes to realize the irony of that statement.
The movie isn't all serious, though, and Antonio's Pancho Villa is an absolutely masterful, and at times even comical, creation. Watch for Antonio to show up here at some point, as every time I see him, I'm reminded of how talented he actually is.
Now, the other movie I recently saw Eion in ended up being a bit more difficult to track down. The IMDB lists its title as "The Scoundrel's Wife," but I eventually stumbled across it at Netflix as "The Home Front." Weird, isn't it? It's not a great movie, but Eion's eyes sure are blue in it (YA-hoo!). It's set in the 1940's, and is about a widowed mother (Tatum O'Neal) who is suspected by the residents of the small town she lives in as being a Nazi sympathizer. Eion is actually a bad guy in this one -- he's a soldier who believes the rumors are true and sets out to destroy her. But, and I think I mentioned this already, his eyes are SO BLUE in this movie that you will barely notice he's actually playing a bastard. Plus, Julian Sands! I love Julian Sands (when he's not in "Boxing Helena," I mean).
Other movies I've seen Eion in, albeit in much smaller parts, include the fantastic "Almost Famous," the wonderfully bizarre "Fight Club," and a ballet movie that I found sort of boring, "Center Stage." If you're a TV watcher, you've also seen him on "Buffy" (playing one of the hyena kids in "The Pack") and on "Dawson's Creek" (playing Jen's "big city, bad news" boyfriend for a few episodes).
If you haven't yet experienced the eyes-that-are-Eion's, you need to hustle and rustle up some of these productions ASAP. But, when you do, what I actually want you to take away from them is less the absolutely true fact that he's one of the most gorgeous men ever to be born on the planet Earth, and more the absolutely true fact that he's outrageously talented and that we have the honor of stumbling across him at a fairly early stage in his career. As with Heath Ledger, who I featured well before he became the Hollywood dandy he is today, I think Eion is on the verge of stardom. And you heard it here first.
Which means I got dibs. Everybody got that? I. Got. Dibs. Pass the word.
Now, I couldn't actually find out much about Eion's personal life. In fact, I couldn't find a single fan site about him. All I could find out (from his IMDB page) was that he grew up in the Santa Ynez Valley of California (which is about two hours north of Los Angeles) and that his father was the owner of a small airline service that flew people around the state. When Eion was twelve, his father started to give him flying lessons, and he quickly fell in love with slipping the surly bonds of earth himself (read the poem I just stole that line from). In high school, he struggled to find a niche until he fell into a class in the drama department. He was soon performing in every school play and after graduation, went on to study formally at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts in New York City.
Up next for Eion (whose name is pronounced "Ian," I think -- correct me if I'm wrong?), are three movies. The first is "Mindhunters," a thriller I'm eagerly awaiting. It costars Val Kilmer and is about a remote island where the FBI trains its psychological profiling division. They call the program "Mindhunters," and its focus is on tracking down serial killers. The most recent round of training exercises goes horribly wrong, however, when a group of seven young agents discover that one of THEM is a serial killer and is planning on knocking each of the others off one by one. Can the few who are left figure out who the killer is in time? It sounds like a cross between "Identity" and "Battle Royale," which is not entirely a bad thing (though "Identity" had an unforgivably stupid ending -- I'm still bitter).
After that comes "Sexual Life," which is a comedy drama about which I know nothing. And then comes "Glory Days," a movie about a group of friends who plan an intervention to help their pal address his drinking problem. When the shrink they hire to help them fails to show up, however, things go horribly wrong (notice any trends here?). In just what way, I have no idea. However, it's also billed as a comedy/drama, so I'm sure that whatever happens will both make us laugh and make us think. Though, most likely what it will make us think is, "DAMN that boy has blue eyes!!"
Because though the pixel resolution is supposed to protect us from falling instantly into a coma whenever Eion Bailey turns to face us head-on on-screen, there's really nothing anybody can do about the fact those eyes, at any resolution, are mesmerizing. I can't stop thinking about them. And after you start watching Eion Bailey in stuff, you won't be able to either.
Just, please, use Eion's gorgeous face responsibly. Do not drive, operate machinery, or do anything else that could be dangerous until you know how you will react to Eion's face. Using Eion's face alone, with other Boyfriend faces, or with alcohol may lessen your ability to drive or to perform other potentially dangerous tasks. Before you begin looking at Eion's face, either prescription or over-the-counter, check with your doctor or psychiatrist. For women: if you plan on becoming pregnant, discuss with your doctor the benefits and risks of using Eion's face during. . . oh wait, forget I said that part. That can only end badly for everyone involved.
MacGyver Factor Score: 99.432%. Boy, it's challenging coming up with a reason to deduct points from Eion Bailey. I mean, even his NAME is outrageously sexy. But I think I'll take a smidge off because I'm a little bit worried about his upcoming movies. Particularly "Sexual Life" and "Glory Days." They both sound a little ominously. . .stupid. . . you know what I mean? And I really, REALLY don't want Eion to blow his career on stupid comedy/dramas. They've got to be good quality. He needs to be picky. In fact, really, what he needs to do is start mailing me scripts before he signs on to projects. Eion, I'm in the book, and I'll do it for free! Just, please don't screw this up! Now that I'm addicted to your intoxicating eyes, I'm not going to be able to give them up. Therefore, you must protect your career, so that I don't have to start sitting through half-assed comedies just to get my fix. Much obliged, padnah. Now, yee-haw!