March 1, 1999
This week's boyfriend comes to you about 13 months after it should've, but hey, better late than never, right? The reason 13 months ago would've been a better time to feature D. B. Sweeney is because 13 months ago, he was in town and I probably could've scored a date with him. In fact, 13 months ago, my sister RAN INTO HIM at the Washington Athletic Club where she used to lifeguard. Apparently, their conversation went a little something like this:
D. B. Sweeney: Hi!
My sister: Hi!
Couldn't you just DIE?
Anyway, she was much more excited about seeing him later, when she finally realized who he was. But by then it was MUCH too late for her to take back her simple "Hi" and replace it with something a little more useful like, "Hi, my sister loves you -- please call her!"
Sisters. I tell ya, they ain't worth a hill of beans sometimes.
D. B. was in town, by the way, because he was in a production of "Death of a Salesman." I didn't go see it because, well, I sorta can't stand that play. I know that's a HUGE literary faux pas, but hey, at least I read Faulkner. Doesn't that count for something?
Didn't think so. However, this is neither here nor there. Nor about D. B. Sweeney. So let's get back on track! One of the things I like best about D. B. is that he goes by his initials instead of a name. Now, I'm sure his friends actually call him something other than D. B., but I think that's a shame actually. I mean, how often do you have a legitimate reason to call somebody "D.B."? I'd love it if people called me "M.K.", for example. But it took me years to get people to call me "Meg" instead of "Megan" and I think "M.K." is probably more work than it's worth. Anyway, D.B. (and I've decided to go with NO spaces in between the initials now) also has played a lot of characters with interesting names. Like "Shoeless Joe" and "Chance Harper." Don't remember "Chance"? That's probably because you FORGOT to watch his tv series "Strange Luck." It's okay, though, because I kept forgetting to watch it too and then it got cancelled.
Strange luck, indeed.
Now, my favorite of D.B.'s movies is The Cutting Edge. I like it first of all because D.B. gets to play hockey (which he plays in real life -- by the way, he also really plays baseball. In fact, if it hadn't been for a motorcycle accident in 1980, he'd probably have tried to play PRO baseball. That might've made a huge difference in my childhood, actually. I mean, if I'd had D.B. to root for instead of Steve Garvey, how would that have changed me today? Hmmm. . .). Wait, where was I? I have GOT to stop DOING that!
Hockey. Yes, and doesn't D.B. look good in a hockey uniform? He looked even better in ice skating tights, though, let me tell you. "The Cutting Edge" has even more in it than just plain old boring hockey and ice skating, though -- it has KISSING. Woo! I like watching D.B. kiss; he's got the nicest lips, I swear to god. These are the things I notice when I watch movies, you see. Filmography? Style? Setting? Costumes? Nope. Lips? YES. Love it.
Unfortunately for D.B., he hasn't had much of a film career. I mean, Eight Men Out was pretty big, but nobody was going to see it because D.B. was in it (well, *I* was, but I don't count). And Memphis Belle keeps only getting 2 stars in the paper when they run it on television. Last weekend's UPN 11 movie starring D.B., Hear No Evil, pretty much stunk to high heaven and let's face it, can anybody out there name ANY other D.B. Sweeney movies without checking the Internet Movie Database first? Okay, wait, I can. Fire in the Sky -- a movie about ALIEN ABDUCTIONS. Need I say more?
Nevertheless, I think he's great. I love his lips, as I've mentioned, but I also like his hair and his crooked grin and his goofy manner. He actually reminds me a little of my brother -- tall with messy hair and a silly attitude. Silliness is good because it means I can lighten up a bit, play with my food at dinner, and quit worrying about "literary faux pas." My god, a year of French and I can't for the life of me think of how to pluralize that. But I'm sure somebody out there knows. Fabulous prizes to whomever emails me first.
MacGyver Factor Score: 91.6% Points off for doing ANOTHER terrible television series after "Strange Luck" was cancelled instead of learning from his mistakes. D.B.! What were you thinking??
Click here to see IMDB's page on D.B Sweeney.