April 23, 2001

Well, hell, people. This is a first, ain't it? I had a really swell NEW Boyfriend all ready to go for this week -- I'd even made you guys sit and stew for seven days to build up the suspense, right? And the plan was to wrap up this short series with one last oldie but goodie. I even had a special little twist to give you -- one that I'm SURE you would've fully enjoyed. Yet instead, you're all here, totally boggled by the fact that up on the screen right now is a face that looks pretty dang familiar, if you do say so yourselves. In fact, familiar, nothing, that's no new Boyfriend up there! Meg's recycled an archive! What kind of scam is this girl trying to pull, anyway?

Now, granted, it's been a few years since I first featured Colin Firth. But still, it just makes no sense, I know. I've NEVER gone back for seconds before. I NEVER have that second cup of coffee at home. And yet, boggled or not, here we all are again! Taking a step back into the past to take a second look at an old favorite. What the heck is going on? And, perhaps even more importantly, you're thinking, how do I get my money back?

Oh stop it, all of you. You never paid anyway, you cheapskates. You're worse than those people who stole Stephen King's e-book chapters without sending him the buck. I was too couth to ask for money, yet I can see King was right -- psshhh. You guys don't do anything unless you have to. Well, fine. And anyway, I can tell you what's happened and, what's more, I can do it using only three words: "Bridget Jones's Diary." If that isn't enough to tell you all you need to know about my motivations this week, than you must not have hit the theaters yet. Yep, I just saw the movie (which is based on a book I totally loved) and when I left the theater, Mr. Darcy had done it again. I was (and am still) swooning like crazy, y'all. I just cannot, CANNOT, resist this man.

So, here we are again. And, the good news is that this makes for a very simple write-up for me. Because, the old write-up says everything about the "Pride and Prejudice" Mr. Darcy that I loved so much (P&P was also rerunning on A&E last week -- so I've definitely had Darcy on the brain). And, as you may know, in "Bridget," Colin plays a different character who is also named, not so coincidentally, "Mr. Darcy." What you may not yet realize, however, is that they are really the SAME character, right down to the sexual tension they both create with their scowls, insults, and poor attitudes and their totally delicious and stomach-flipping kisses that seem to take over six torturous hours to arrive. So, if you loved him in P&P, you'll love him in Bridge. I quite happily report that nothing has changed. Excuse me for a moment -- I've got to go scream "ARRRRRRRGH!" at the top of my lungs.

Whew. Okay. So, here's the old write-up, but before you get to it, let me just tell you that I'm raising Colin Firth's MacGyver Factor Score, also a first, which you'll see when you get to the bottom of the original column. Long live Mr. Darcy! Whether he's in classic old-time British gent clothes or that lovely green reindeer sweater, he's still the man you can't help but just. totally. lust after. I mean, right this very moment, about 30 minutes after I left the theater from my Bridget screening, my stomach is still going "ugh ugh ugh!!" in absolute painful, ugh-y desire over Colin Firth. Almost like there is a string connected from my stomach to Colin and he's tugging on it. Well, babe, PULL HARDER! And if all else fails, I'll expect you at my place soon for my own special encore presentation of the final five minutes of "Pride and Prejudice," which I now have on tape and thus can rewind over and over as many times as I damn well please. Thank you GOD for modern technology! (And you can trust that as soon as it's available on video, I'll have a copy of Bridget Jones's Diary all set for the same action.)

*************OLD WRITE-UP BELOW!****************

I was laying around in bed the other night, daydreaming and listening to "X Minus One" on the Golden Radio Classics show when I happened to tilt my head to the side (just as some guy was being kidnapped by aliens who were going to destroy the earth because the U.S. had dropped an atomic bomb -- I love the 50's) when SUDDENLY, I realized I hadn't made Colin Firth a Boyfriend of the Week yet!

Mary, Mother of God!

See, I have about four pictures of Colin taped to the side of my bookcase. Why? BECAUSE I LOVE HIM. Duh. Have you guys seen the BBC production of Pride and Prejudice? Oh my god, you would love it. It's so amazingly wonderful, even I cannot believe it. Colin plays Mr. Darcy, of course, and he's the perfect blend of arrogance and shyness and drop-dead-gorgeousness. Plus, there's NO KISSING until the very end. What this does: makes you nuts (in a good way) with frustration. I still can't watch it without getting kinda queasy and wanting to yell, "Oh, PLEASE, would you PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE just KISS her?!" I love that.

Now, I've seen Colin Firth in a few other things now, too. But I have to admit, they weren't all that great. I've been on the waiting list for one copy of Valmont at the local library for about three months, and I've heard it's kind of like Dangerous Liasons (if not the exact same thing, I forget now). I'm not sure if I'll like him in that, either, though. The problem with all other Colin Firth movies? He isn't in them enough. Seriously. Would you just take a look at "The English Patient" and "Shakespeare in Love" for a moment? A few scenes, all too short and none of them involving ANY sexual tension WHATsoever. I mean, what is the point, I ask you? Why cast Colin Firth is you're just going to waste that face like that. I need frustration! I need tension! I need. . .kissing! What I do not, DO NOT, need, however, is Colin Firth cast as a boring husband who just crashes in his plane and calls it a day. No thank you!

To be honest, and I'm sure there's no faster way to make Colin hate me than by saying this, but I really think Colin Firth should just travel around America (well, okay, how about just Western Washington) and do lots of Mr. Darcy impersonations. Show up, say, in my neighborhood and scowl a lot (sometimes adding just a hint of a smile, though), say lots of grumpy things in that deep voice of his (with that accent, of course), and then, say, kiss somebody. Perhaps somebody with short blonde hair who is about 5' 9" tall with a keen mind and well-developed sense of humor. And if she's not around, he can just kiss me. I'd pay to see him every time without fail, so he could definitely make some money that way. Plus, I'm not the only girl totally in love with him -- just ask my Mom.

The problem with Colin Firth is that in real life, I've picked up hints that he might be kind of a jerk. Like, he's a little pissy about how much fame Mr. Darcy has given him even though he's been in movies for a dang long time now and nobody's ever noticed before. Tough luck, kiddo. But that doesn't mean you have to run off and get MARRIED, ya big jerk. Yes, it's true, about two months after I fell in love with him, he got married (and not to me). God, that's just plain RUDE, Colin. And you didn't even date that girl long enough. And you never even gave me a chance! You're losing MacGyver points for that one, bub.

Still, try as I might, I cannot help but forgive him (read: drool over him) everytime I see that scene in P&P where he walks into Elizabeth's room and tells her that even though he knows he ought to think she's really gross (I'm paraphrasing), he's in love with her anyway. God, you just want to smack him and kiss him all at the same time. I love that in a man! That kiss at the end, after they've finally realized they're hopelessly in love with each other and get married, well, heck, I cry everytime.

***********END OF OLD WRITE-UP************

I'm not going to bother giving you any biographical information on Colin Firth. For one thing, there's not a lot to give. And for another, I think it's far, far more important that I wrap this thing up and get back to daydreaming about kissing Mr. Darcy in the snow in England while I'm wearing leopard-print bikini underpants and sneakers with no socks. He wraps his coat around my bum to keep it warm and I nibble happily on those incredible lips and wonder why in the HELL I didn't think of doing this sooner. Life, I love you. (Always grooooovey! -- name that song!)

MacGyver Factor Score: 99.99999999999999%. I have a feeling I will one day regret this score I've just given out. Because, and you'll never believe it, but it's true, Colin Firth's MFS has just surpassed Constable Fraser's. To be fair, I am going to pop in a tape of "Due South" RIGHT NOW and make sure I'm not out of my mind. But, honestly, people, Colin Firth is quite possibly the most incredibly sexy human being on the planet today. There's a fog on my brain, I know. But I wouldn't mind too much if it just stayed there for a little while longer. Sigh. BIG sigh. Ooo, I just can't BELIEVE he's married!! It's just so completely wrong! v.v.b.!