May 7, 2001
I had someone else planned as this week's Boyfriend, but, as happens
from time to time, that write-up has been preempted by one even more
timely. One that I didn't even realize was coming until it was
practically the last minute. One directly related to recent events on
television. More specifically, recent events on CBS. And, unless you
live under a rock somewhere, you probably have figured out right now that
this is going to be another one of those annoying "Survivor" things.
Cuz, folks, this week, the Boyfriend is none other than the first
runner-up from the Outback, Colby Donaldson. If you'd told me about 3 weeks ago that I was going to make Colby a
Boyfriend, I wouldn't given you a look that said quite clearly, "Yeah,
right. Him or Leonardo, wink wink." Or, if I was feeling less playful
and more cranky, a look
that said even more clearly, "That'll be the freakin' day!" But, as
sometimes happens, it's hard to predict matters of the heart. And though
I have thought for awhile now that Colby might not be the arrogant jerk he
seemed to be, I didn't really know it for sure unless last Thursday, the
final episode of the Outback Survivor. So, the seed has been there,
dormant, for a month or longer now. Happily, unlike most real seeds I
plant (my thumb has nary a greenish hue), this one actually sprouted.
And how. If you missed the episode (ha ha ha, as if), I'll tell you whyfor the
change o' heart. A few weeks ago, Colby had announced to the cameras that
his only allegiance in the game was to teammate Tina. And that if he was
going to end up being one of the last two players, he wanted to make sure
he ended up there sitting next to someone he'd be just as happy to see win
in his place. A lot of my friends said Colby was a lying, selfish jerk
who didn't mean a word of that. But I had my doubts -- after all, all the
other manipulative (or "strategic," depending on how to view the game)
things he'd said or done, he'd said or done directly to other players.
He reserved the truth for the camera alone (like, telling Jerri he'd keep
her around and then telling the camera, heh, THAT would be the day. . .).
So,
why lie about things there now? No reason. Still, I had my doubts.
Would Colby really hold on to that sentiment when he was actually faced
with the choice? If he'd tossed Tina off and ended up going up against
the jury with only Keith, he would've won the million dollars for
sure. And because that is true, many people have of late been calling Colby
stupid (or nicer/meaner versions of that). He had the million dollars and
he gave it away. It was a "bad" move or a "miscalculation" or even just
an act of complete insanity. But to me, it's what told me what Colby is
really like -- he's good. He's a good man. We suspected this when his
mother made him cry on national television, right? But what better way to
know it for sure than to see him knowingly vote off Keith so that he could
be happy about the outcome, no matter what it turned out to be? I mean,
whadda guy! I am such a sucker for niceness. Truly. It gets me
every time. Now, if you don't agree with me on this, that's A-OK by me. Go ahead
and e-mail me and tell me so. I'll listen (or, at the very least, I'll
nod occasionally and say "uh huh" a lot). But you won't change my
position on it. Colby is not stupid. He did not make a mistake when he
voted Keith off. It was completely calculated, decided well in advance,
and acted upon out of sheer goodness. Colby, in short, is one supreme
sweetheart. And if that alone doesn't convince you that Mr. Donaldson deserves to
wear the Boyfriend Crown this week, then I urge you to look at the photos
above and check out how incredibly blue those eyes are and yee-gods, how
incredibly white those teeth are. If he makes one commercial after
his stint on Survivor, let it be an ad for a whitening toothpaste. I
mean, would those teeth not inspire YOU to brush? They practically
twinkle, they're so clean. If they ever do a remake of "The Great Race,"
they'll have to get Colby to play "The Great Leslie." *gleam* He's
charming, he's sweet, he's good, and BOY is he cute! It just doesn't get
much better than that. Now it's time for a little background: Colby was born in Christoval,
Texas on April 1, 1974. He currently lives in Dallas, but I'm trying not
to hold that against him. He graduated from Texas Tech University with a
degree in business marketing and began working as a sales rep before
deciding to ditch the corporate life and try to start his own company, so
he could work in a field that he really felt passionate about: custom
auto design. Pretty risky, but luckily, it seems to have worked out
pretty well for him (and that $100,000 sure is gonna help out). Have to
admire the man for his guts, don't you think? I wish I had the confidence
and nerve to do things like that in my own life. Though, I guess I do get
points for getting married, right? Anyway, as you may have guessed, based on
some of the shots of him with no shirt on (of which, happily,
there are
many), Colby is in real life, as well as on Survivor, a very competitive
athlete. He also enjoys water skiing, mountain biking, and designing and
building furniture (and let's not forget Outback shelters). He likes to
watch football (points off), but he loves his mother a lot (points back).
And, while he does seem just a little too borderline-frat-boy, I have all
the confidence in the world that I can influence him right out of that.
Given the chance. So, we have here so far a Boyfriend who is not only sweet, good, cute,
and strong, but also very intelligent. The evidence for this takes us all
the way back to episode one of Outback Survivor -- the episode when we
found out what Colby's luxery item was -- a very large Texan flag. Now,
you may or may not realize this, but there are extremely strict rules
about what can and cannot be chosen as your luxery item when you are a
contestant on Survivor. It can't be anything you can use to survive,
really. No food, no medicine, no matches, etc. Under the guise of
dedicated patriotism (what was that bit he said about waking up glad to be
a Texan?), Colby managed to convince the show to let him take something
very useful, though. A very, very large and sturdy piece of cloth.
Suitable for, say, building a shelter. I thought that was pretty good
thinkin' folks. Pretty good thinkin'. I mean, if all he wanted was to be
reminded of Texas every moment, he could've just packed a photo of George
W., right? But that's hardly going to keep you dry in a rainstorm. Ya
follow? So, sweet, good, cute, strong, and smart ta boot. All in all, I'm sure
you'll agree, a fine choice for this week's beau. But now that I've said
all the good stuff about Colby, I have to confess the real reason I
started to fall for him. It had nothing to do with his goodness or his
brains or any of the other qualities I just mentioned. Nay. Those things
just kept the crush from fizzling out. Instead, the state of my affection
had everything to do with that fantastic bucket of water he pitched all
over that stinky stinker Jerri after the "leading the blind" challenge.
I confess I am STILL snickering over that. Classic classic Kodak moment.
I apologize for my nastiness, y'all, but did you not just love seeing
her face at that moment? After all that crap about chocolate and sex?
YES! Colby -- you are the man for me, amigo. You go! The good news is that I can't imagine for a minute we've seen the last
of Colby. He's just too charismatic to disappear now. So, keep your eyes
open, kiddos, and I'm sure you'll see him pop up on television in the very
near future. And until then, you can just keep flipping through your
"Survivor" special issues of all the entertainment magazines (I know you
kept those). And wait until next fall, when the third round of the game
begins.The Boyfriend of the Week
MacGyver Factor Score: 92.345%. Despite the fact that
I usually harbor very few prejudices, I do have to take lots of points off
because of the whole Texan thing. It's not a political thing or a
personal thing or anything like that. It's just that I've lived in Texas
and my memories pretty much all involve gigantic bugs and/or getting my
finger snapped in a rat trap, so when I think of possibly one day meeting
Colby and sweeping him off his feet, I also have to think of the
possibility that he might one day want to take me for a tour of his
hometown. And, lord a'mighty, there's just nothing you could do or say
that would make me book an airline ticket to Dallas. So, you see, our
relationship is pretty much doomed from the start. I hate it when that
happens.
The Official
Survivor Homepage.
The Unofficial Survivor
Homepage. (survivorsucks.com)
Salon.com's
Survivor page